70% of the people who I used to hang out with are almost impossible to hang out with now. I've been trying, it's not working. If it's not alcohol, weed, or conversations about the two, there's nothing to do, nothing to talk or laugh about. I've employed elsewhere, and they're still stuck. I mean, I don't have a problem with anyone who does the two, and I don't want to never be around these people again. I love them, everything's just different now. I don't have anything in common with them anymore. It's dead conversation. What do I really have to talk about these days anyway? Bridgette told me today that she admires Paul and I, that we're the perfect couple. It made me really happy to hear that from another person. I adore him so much :)

I just listen to other people's conversations and there really is nothing to talk about besides other people and drugs. That's mainly what I hear at school, maybe the occasional music or movies conversation, but the majority is gossip and drugs. I hate that, and I try so hard to let every conversation I have with another person meaningful. Really, Paul is the only person I talk to, besides Samantha in the mornings and sometimes when we hang out outside of school, and people at work, but that's pretty much it.

It makes you a little paranoid when you know that you're talking to someone who's just waiting for you to say something that they can use against you. I'm out of that circle.

I don't know what I'm in now, what you could classify me as, but I like it.
I feel more free than ever.

I'm done being too scared to let myself be close to another person.

Me and you, forever.
That's the way it's going to end.

It was so much easier to be friends with people when I was younger. Friendship? What does it even mean anymore? Is it unconditional love? Is it a piece of lint balancing on a brand-new shirt? Is it supposed to be with many people, or only a handful, or maybe even less than that? I've been doing pretty well at avoiding my loneliness since the incident almost two months ago. And, as much as I want for things to be good again, I've put myself in their shoes more times in the past 2 months than I have ever reflected on anything in my life, and there still isn't an answer. There may not even be one. But the truth is, I got completely wasted and kissed someone that one of my best friends was in love with, and had been in love with for a very long time. Not her boyfriend - but her "property", per say. I'm not going to lie, it was fucked up and I was fucked up, but I can't take it back, and I can't pretend it didn't happen, as much as I wish it didn't. But it did. My intoxication swelled my ability to differentiate between right and wrong. It just hurts that my obliteration couldn't be somewhat overlooked. Lord knows I've overlooked many unsatisfactory things that she's done, of the people who've turned on me, of really every person I've ever grown to love and care about in my life. But, you know, in a way I'm glad that he kissed me, and I'm grateful for that night that cost me so much, because it brought me back to Earth; but more importantly, it brought me to Paul. It changed me and made me a better person. A better person, yes, but I still can't walk out of the house without feeling guilty. I still check my phone every day to see if someone wants to talk to me, or hang out with me, and there's never anything. I've screwed up alot, but I believe that not one person in the world should have to pay for mistakes like I have. To be made to feel like you shouldn't even exist. Now, they've completely replaced me, and I feel like this town has completely replaced me, but I have one person forever, and nothing will ever replace him. When I'm 20, 21, 25, I won't be the one with the whiskey bottle permanently attached to my hand, or the one indulging in other people's lives. I'll be who I am today, and I'm determined more than anything to make myself proud.

I lay in my little cousin's kiddie pool today and thought about all of this for a long time. It was odd to see everything from so close to the ground. The world looked huge, fascinating, it looked exciting. My home looked about a million times better to me than it has ever looked before. After I finished, I took a shower and scrubbed myself of thoughts that the entire problem is me, that I'm worthless, that I'm hopeless, that the things that they say to me, about me, and the the words that cut so deep into my flesh have killed me. I'm not going to avoid the fact that I did get out of hand, or even the fact that I'm lonely, but I'm also not going to waste my time with needing people's opinions to fuel me. I don't. It's just hard when they've created a chain reaction around the people that I do want around. I feel like there's a wall between Paul and I, and the rest of the world, and Paul is the only person who wants to listen, or care, and still love me for everything that I am. I wouldn't trade him for an entire town of people who only love you for the person that they want you to be.

I'm probably going to get a bunch of mean comments, because I finally made a public update, but it doesn't even matter anymore. I've lost all effort to care about those kinds of replies anymore.

There's more to life than wishing it were easier, and I'm pretty happy with spending almost all of my time with one person, ecspecially someone like him.

In the past week, I've had a lot of time to think about the people in my life and the alcohol that has consumed me since I've been back to Alabama. You're right, I was getting carried away. I was drinking every day, and it was fun for awhile, but the shit eventually hit the fan. You blame me for things that happened while I was drunk like you've never made a fucked up decision while intoxicated before, but you have. I can actually think of an instance where you did, and I stood behind you 100%. I didn't judge you one bit, because we all make mistakes. Well, I haven't touched the shit in a week, and it feels great. Actually, I feel sick just thinking about "getting drunk", in any respect. That lifestyle is dead to me, for now or forever, I don't know. But I'm done with it.

Also, about three weeks ago, I met Paul. We've been hanging out a lot, and yesterday he asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted, which, by the way, is OUR business. You know, I may not have the best history with dating, but I don't have the worst either. If you were my true friend, you would see the good in this. You would back both of us up 100%. But instead, certain people are patronizing us.

"But Lana, you're synonymous with fucking up relationships"

Do you really have room to talk? And in case you haven't noticed, I've been the one getting "hurt" for almost two years now, the one getting my hopes up and then getting let down because someone finds someone better or more interesting than me. Not that I'm out to prove anything to any of you, because honestly, I don't give a fuck what you say anymore. I'm too pissed off to care. I'm too tired of throwing out trust like confetti and getting none in return. If you were true friends, you would see a good thing in this, but instead, you plot and try to destroy happiness. You know NOTHING of what you're talking about at all.

I feel like a fool for thinking that I could trust any of you.
That I had finally found the best friends than I could ask for.
but in reality, I'd found a bunch of selfish, vindictive little girls.

I sat on my living room floor with Samantha last night and just held her and cried. You know, I've been so occupied with keeping those "friends", that I completely lost myself and who I really need in the midst of all of it. This drama that's been circulating lately, NONE of it matters. I'm taking nothing that anyone says to heart. Because, in reality, I'm going to have a career in a few years, I'm going to have a family, and that's all that my life is going to consist of. I'm done wasting my time with people who live their lives in other people's business.

None of you can break me.
None of you can persuade Paul to leave me.
Nothing that you say has any effect on us.

You go your way, and I'll go mine.

NO ONE IS WORTHLESS.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
I'm really happy tonight.

Time to make up for lost time, people.
I'm thinking of making a new Livejournal, too.

I wish someone would have visited me in Missouri, but unless I decide to not move back to Mobile this summer, it's too late.

Weight lifte.d.

I'm just not a smoker, guys. It was definitely shortlived.

I got so pissed off at Jake Saturday morning that I seriously thought I was going to punch him in the face. He didn't get the hint until I finally talked to him about it, though. We came close to breaking up, but he met up with me at Dennys that night and we both agreed to make some changes to stay together.

Like I said, I care more about our friendship than calling him my boyfriend. If it takes us breaking up for a while to become the best friends that I think we should be, then that's what we need to do. I went into this relationship wanting a best friend, and I'll come out of it the same way. No feelings hurt.

We're still together, as far as I know.

I just wish we could see each other more and I would stop feeling like I'm #11 on the priority list. See, I hate feeling like hanging out with me and hanging out with his friends is a seperate deal to him. In my case, he's always welcome with my friends.

I don't know, maybe it's a guy thing.

From this point forward, my Livejournal is strictly FRIENDS ONLY.
If you want to read it, tell me to add you.


There are brownnosers amongst us, and I can't afford to keep my journal public anymore.

"Everything passes. Everything changes. Just do what you think you should do"

I'm not complaining about High School. Where I'm at, it's small, but I have my friends, and we have a good time. Plus, I'm learning the essentials for life i.e. cooking, invisible numbers, lunchtime, scheduling, movie watching, geography, and gym class.

Life right now, well, everything is great.

My group of friends is boss.
My boyfriend is the best of the best.
We're going to Kansas City this weekend.
We just booked our train tickets to San Francisco for the summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My new car is in the driveway.

Yes, this year's already better than last year. I'm away from depression, anguish, and sadness. I'm a healthier person because of this change. I don't feel like shit constantly.

I had a spinach and artichoke picnic in Wal-Mart today.
Favorite foods, for the win.

Last night, the subject of my future came up, and I still have no idea what I want to do. I'd love to be a Photojournalist. I'd love to work for a magazine. I'd love to be an advice columnist. I'd love to be a model, but I'd hate to be critisezed for not being perfect. I'd love to be a peircer. I'd love to be a lot of things, but the truth is, I have no money for college, at all. Even if I did get a scholarship, I wouldn't have the money to pay for absolutely everything that I needed to pay for, and the reality sucks.

Money controls the world, I should find some.

Anyway, let me tell you about my New Years Eve/New Years extravaganza. Jake called me and asked me to come over, but Eve and Bob's truck broke down so I've been their "ride" for the past two days. I had to meet Jake at the grocery store, where he proceeded to ride around with us running errands for two hours, which was pretty lame. Afterwards, we picked up my new car! The plan was that Eve and Bob were going to drive my new car home, and I was going to follow them in my Ford. Well, we were on the interstate and the new car ran out of gas. Neither of us had any money or a gas can, so I had to PUSH THE CAR DOWN THE ROAD WITH MY CAR. Seriously, it was one of the scariest experiences of my life. I was screaming the whole time, my wheels were coming out from under me, and I was going 20 mph on the interstate. Eventually, I put "The Wall" in my cassette player and just pretended that it wasn't happening, and things got alot better. Jake held my hand. At one point, I accidentally slammed on brakes, and I had to bump into the car about 10 times to get it to go again. Let's just say the front of my old car and the back of my new car is fucked. But, once we got to our destination (an hour later), I felt accomplished, and we all had a laugh about it. It was definitely one of the weirdest experiences of my life.

After that mess, Allison and I went to Jake's house with him, to hang out for a little while before the show. I'd never been to his house before, and when we pulled up, wow. His family's fucking rich. Their house is HUGE, with pointless rooms and a mothafuckin' ping pong table and everything. I definitely didn't expect that. As we were leaving, Zack, Autumn, and Allison waited in the car for me while I told Jake bye, and for 10 minutes, he wouldn't let me leave. Seriously, he held me down and begged me so stay. It was adorable. We're official now, by the way. So, being a good girlfriend, I told him that I would come back to his house after the show instead of drinking at some party with everyone else. :D

The show was really good! We only missed the first band, but the last three are really who we were expecting to see. Definitely one of the best Enchanted Forest shows I've ever been to, by far.

After the show, I went back to Jake's house and watched The Warriors with him and his dad. He let us drink sparkling grape juice at midnight! And he kissed me, too. Right in front of his dad, it was perfect. I love how he will kiss me, no matter who's looking. It's like he isn't nervous or embarrased to show his feelings for me, he just goes for it. We went outside and walked his dogs after the movie, and he gave me a tour of his house. We ended up hanging out until 3 a.m.

Definitely the best New Years I've ever had.
There wasn't anyone else I would have rather been with, but him.

Fuck yes for finding someone amazing.

Let's recap 2007.


( January-June )

There's a corner of your heart for me, I will pack my bags just to stay there.

I like reading Livejournal's of completely random people whose lives are more interesting than mine.

Here is a scale. Weigh it out and you will find, easily, more than sufficient doubt that these colors you see were picked in advance by some careful hand with an absolute concept of beauty. They are smeared and these blurs come in random order and they color the eyes of your former lovers. Hers were green like July except when she cried they were red. Now I know a disease that these Doctors can’t treat. You contract on the day you accept all you see is a mirror and a mirror is all it can be. A reflection of something we’re missing. And language just happened, it was never planned, and it’s inadequate to describe where I am in the room of my house where the light has never been waiting for this day to end. And these clocks keep unwinding and completely ignore everything that we hate or adore. Once the page of a calendar is turned it’s no more. So tell me then, what was it for? Oh tell me, what was it for?

In an attempt to tip the scales, I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details.
They seemed so important at the time, now you can’t even recall any names, faces, or lines; It’s more the feeling of it all.
Well, winter’s gonna end, I’m gonna clean these veins again.
So close to dying that I finally can start living again.

If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt.

Missouri's not so bad, really. I mean, there are sketchy people and practically nothing to do, but it's really like any place else. It'll never be my home though, but right now, I have to love it. So I'll love it. I'll love it right now.

The next month will consist of St. Louis (Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza, Despised Icon, and the Acacia Strain), Kansas City with my tree-hugging-motorcycle-riding-badass family, St. Louis (THE HUSH SOUND), Streetlight Manifesto, and a trip back to Alabama for a few days to put the icing on the mothafuckin' cake.

There's a place in downtown Cape Girardeau called Burritoville. Basically, it's equivalent to the Picklefish of Mobile (minus the spinach and artichoke dip, dammit), and it's fucking scrumptious. I had a huge Vegan burrito from there tonight and couldn't even finish it. It would be badass to work there as a delivery girl. They make all of their deliveries on bicycles.

:D

Alas, here's a sneak peek of the new, wonderful male in my life.
It's blurry for a reason.

I like how Allison and I's basement has become the "party palace" of Scott City. We had another spontaneous party last night, it was great, and I met alot of people.

However, one thing was different.

Jake Burns.

He laughs at my stupid jokes.
He doesn't smoke ciggarettes.
He sings amazing songs with me!
He stays up all night talking.
He listens to incredible music.
He's intelligent.
He's perfect.

And I'm not wishing for this to happen, because it is happening. I wasn't even searching, and I finally met the person that I want.

Can I get a 'FUCK YES'?

"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to"
- John Ed Pearce

Scott City, Missouri. The drama, the lies, the bullshit, and the uselessness. Honestly, everything that I want in life to move forward is in Mobile right now. I can't let myself be happy here because I don't want to be happy here. I won't be happy until my wheels hit that pavement, 378 miles away. I mean, there's always the temporary happiness here. I hang out with friends, we have good times, we laugh about them the next day. But, you can find those kind of people anywhere in the world. There's something about Mobile that's sticking to my heart without any remorse. It won't go away nor will I let it, whether that's healthy or not.

January 17-22, and then I must wait 2 more months until coming back.
The only way it'll stop is when I have enough courage to tell everyone how I really feel.
I need to stop waiting for the "right" moment, and just take "the" moment.

Can I tell you guys a secret?
I've probably looked up a quote for every emotion that I've ever felt.

www.43things.com

Go there, get an account, and let's start reaching our goals!

When one person makes you feel like shit, there are 6,602,224,174 people in the world who could turn it all around.

That, right there, is why I wake up every morning.
That, right there, is why I don't let things get to me for long.

I'll admit, I'm a flirty person. I flirt with people without even realizing I'm doing it. If a guy has a girlfriend, I'm still up for hanging out with him. Not to "steal said boy away from his girlfriend", but just to hang out. As friends. Someone having a girlfriend doesn't intimidate me or stop me from wanrting to have a new friend. But hey, that's my personality.

But seriously, I would never EVER try to jeapordize anyone's relationship, and I'd never "break someone up" for selfish purposes. It's pretty much the dumbest thing in the entire world, but Kiersten quit being friends with me because I apparently "flirt with Eric" and she doesn't trust me with him when she's not around, which is weird, because I've never hung out with Eric alone, and the thought's never crossed my mind of coming between those two. Sure, he's a cool guy, and I like hanging out with him, but that's it.

I'm sick of jealous, insecure girls.
I don't even have to do anything for people to think I'm sketchy.

I could cry or forget about it, and I'm choosing to do the latter. People who make big deals about their jealousness and insecurities don't need to be in my life. Oh, and to make things even more childish, she's "mad" at Allison now because Allison won't turn against me. Wow, come on. Allison's my sister and she gets me more than anyone else in the world. We relate, and our bond is thicker than blood. Why would she turn against me, ya cunt?

When one person makes you feel like shit, there are 6,602,224,174 people in the world who could turn it all around.